It’s been a tough weekend. It was an intense week, with erratic, long and late hours at work. I got to do lots of work that I love, and that I believe and hope I do well, work that makes a difference in people’s lives. But it also took a lot out of me, and I’m still not very good at listening to my body telling me to rest.
So Friday night rolled around and found me worn out and lonely and sad. That seems to be the night that I most miss being with someone who loved me, when I’m tired and not having the energy to go out but not wanting to be alone.
While I knew I needed to rest this weekend, I haven’t done a very good job of it. Not that I regret running another 10k, but, um, not resting.
But I’m grateful that I made it to church this morning. It didn’t “fix” me. But it did remind me that I’m part of a community — a loving, caring, generous, messy community that is glad to have me as part of it. It helped me get perspective on life outside my world. It gave me the opportunity to engage in thoughtful conversation about generosity and scarcity, how we use our resources, money and otherwise, and the ways that can be joyful and terrifying and connect or disconnect us to community. I got to drum. I got a grin out of a small child when I peeked at him during the prayers. I watched Dorene dance when I started drumming, and love that she told me how to say my name in Yupik.
I think about the tricky dance of honoring my sadness and loneliness and weariness, but not letting those places drown me. It feels like walking through a beautiful, misty, mud puddle-filled field. I keep sliding into the puddles. And it isn’t the end of the world. I get kinda muddy and wet and cold. I’d rather NOT be in the puddles. But I’m grateful I have places too to get warm and dry and cleaned up.
How do you find perspective and ways to listen to the cries of your spirit, honoring your difficult places but staying engaged with the world?
Me, I’m gonna keep my boots handy.
P.S. If you, or anyone you know, is in need of support, call the national suicide prevention lifeline at (800) 273-8255 (TALK), or text the word “START” to 741-741. A kind person is waiting on the other end of those lines 24/7.